I walk in this world identifying as a muti-racial woman. As the daughter of a 1st generation German (sort of Jew) and a multi-racial mom, my privilege comes from the tone of my skin, the education of my parents, and a life not too disturbed by complex trauma. I have, for the most part, felt safe, had access to many things that often get taken for granted. But on the other end, I struggle(d) with my identity, I don't belong to any one category, and until recently, their wasn't even a box for me to check. I had to choose whichever one felt right in the moment.
In light of many events that are taking place, and the history of oppression that permeates our society, I was forced to take a deep look at who I am in these spaces, and how I contribute and are effected by race relations in this moment in time. It's something I've always grappled with, not well. As I age and (hopefully) get wiser, my identity and how I understand it, changes.
I have always been an advocate for "the other". Often forgetting myself in the process. What does it mean to be a multi-racial female, who also has some of the privileges of white folks? How does the way I act and speak affect others? How do I grow and process so I can help my multi-racial daughter by setting an example. This brings me the most anxiety. I never spoke about these things with my mom until today, and only on the surface, as these conversations take time, care and continual reflection. She grew up when it was even less accepted to be truly the "other". Not one full race, did not carry the language of any of those races and was only taught to have the ego be proud of one of those races.
I was luckier than that. My parents made sure I was aware of the many cultures of our country, as well as the injustices that "the others" face. I didn't realize that part of that included me, too. It wasn't just my older brother being stopped and questioned by the cops for no reason, or white men disrespecting my mom, or my younger brother's peers spitting derogatory slang at him. It was trying to fit into a box that wasn't for me. It was me feeling alone for a long time, even with lots of friends. Feeling uncomfortable around too many white folks, who felt comfortable saying the things they only said behind closed doors. It is being "mansplained", sexually harassed/date-raped, be-littled, made fun of...and that's only what happened to me.
I had to let go of all the trauma of my ancestors. I let it go because it weighed me down, and didn't allow me to grow in certain aspects of my life. Multi-generations of abuse, addiction, abandonment...and to top it off colonization (and the Holocaust). Their was a battle I was fighting for my ancestors. Carrying their pain and suffering, so I could feel okay with my privileged life. But I realized that they would be happier if I lived my life without their pain.
But that still leaves me with myself. My own process. My own pain. Growing past divorce, and the adrenaline of survival that I lived in for almost a decade. I am lucky that I have a partner that helped me out of that space. This work cannot be done alone. But today I needed to reflected. Today, I had to get my feelings and thoughts down. Crying will no longer cut it. Being angry will no longer cut it. What is my next move? What will be my direct action?
How do I connect when I feel I don't belong in certain spaces due to some of the privledges I benefit from? I am always self-conscious and feel that I always need to explain myself..."I am not white". While at the same time needing to check-in with myself on how my privilege comes out. And although I am here reflecting and thinking about these things, I also can't help but think, that's nothing compared to my other POC family.
Shutting down emotionally to protect self from racist situations, knowing where the exits are in all spaces, having to ask others constantly to not touch your hair, to have to constantly explain people's privilege and how it affects you...it goes on and on. I don't want to take away from those experiences, and know part of my privilege is not having to do, or deal with any of those things. These experiences have created resilient folks, but it doesn't mean we shouldn't work towards a more "woke" society. At least within where we work and play, those spaces need to thrive on diversity, equity and inclusion. If they are not, which in my experience, are not at all "safe spaces" (which according to Dr. Darnisa Amante, is not a thing that actually exists. Check her out, her organization is amazing!), then what are we to do?
My commitment is to actively be aware of my privilege and create and space for myself to navigate what it means to be the, almost, 40 year old me. I need to be creative. I need to exercise not just my mind, but body. And I will be the best I am able for my daughter and family.
Soy hawaiano puertorriqueño, filipino y alemán (judío). Ich bin Hawaiian Puerto Ricaner, Filipino und Deutsch (Jude). ʻO wauʻo Puerto Rican Puʻuki, Filipino a me Kelemānia. אני הוואי פורטו ריקה, פיליפינית וגרמנית (יהודי). I am Hawaiian Puerto Rican, Philipino and German (Jew).
I am proud of who I am and have become. I give Thanks and Praises to the Most High, my ancestors and family for guiding me along my journey. Thank you internet for giving me the space to be heard without being seen. To speak and not feel judged, and for allowing others the same.
