Reflection on Race & The "Other"

I walk in this world identifying as a muti-racial woman. As the daughter of a 1st generation German (sort of Jew) and a multi-racial mom, my privilege comes from the tone of my skin, the education of my parents, and a life not too disturbed by complex trauma. I have, for the most part, felt safe, had access to many things that often get taken for granted. But on the other end, I struggle(d) with my identity, I don't belong to any one category, and until recently, their wasn't even a box for me to check. I had to choose whichever one felt right in the moment.

In light of many events that are taking place, and the history of oppression that permeates our society, I was forced to take a deep look at who I am in these spaces, and how I contribute and are effected by race relations in this moment in time. It's something I've always grappled with, not well. As I age and (hopefully) get wiser, my identity and how I understand it, changes.

I have always been an advocate for "the other". Often forgetting myself in the process. What does it mean to be a multi-racial female, who also has some of the privileges of white folks? How does the way I act and speak affect others? How do I grow and process so I can help my multi-racial daughter by setting an example. This brings me the most anxiety. I never spoke about these things with my mom until today, and only on the surface, as these conversations take time, care and continual reflection. She grew up when it was even less accepted to be truly the "other". Not one full race, did not carry the language of any of those races and was only taught to have the ego be proud of one of those races.

I was luckier than that. My parents made sure I was aware of the many cultures of our country, as well as the injustices that "the others" face. I didn't realize that part of that included me, too. It wasn't just my older brother being stopped and questioned by the cops for no reason, or white men disrespecting my mom, or my younger brother's peers spitting derogatory slang at him. It was trying to fit into a box that wasn't for me. It was me feeling alone for a long time, even with lots of friends. Feeling uncomfortable around too many white folks, who felt comfortable saying the things they only said behind closed doors. It is being "mansplained",  sexually harassed/date-raped, be-littled, made fun of...and that's only what happened to me.

I had to let go of all the trauma of my ancestors. I let it go because it weighed me down, and didn't allow me to grow in certain aspects of my life. Multi-generations of abuse, addiction, abandonment...and to top it off colonization (and the Holocaust). Their was a battle I was fighting for my ancestors. Carrying their pain and suffering, so I could feel okay with my privileged life. But I realized that they would be happier if I lived my life without their pain.

But that still leaves me with myself. My own process. My own pain. Growing past divorce, and the adrenaline of survival that I lived in for almost a decade. I am lucky that I have a partner that helped me out of that space. This work cannot be done alone. But today I needed to reflected. Today, I had to get my feelings and thoughts down. Crying will no longer cut it. Being angry will no longer cut it. What is my next move? What will be my direct action?

How do I connect when I feel I don't belong in certain spaces due to some of the privledges I benefit from? I am always self-conscious and feel that I always need to explain myself..."I am not white".  While at the same time needing to check-in with myself on how my privilege comes out. And although I am here reflecting and thinking about these things, I also can't help but think, that's nothing compared to my other POC family.

Shutting down emotionally to protect self from racist situations, knowing where the exits are in all spaces, having to ask others constantly to not touch your hair, to have to constantly explain people's privilege and how it affects you...it goes on and on. I don't want to take away from those experiences, and know part of my privilege is not having to do, or deal with any of those things. These experiences have created resilient folks, but it doesn't mean we shouldn't work towards a more "woke" society. At least within where we work and play, those spaces need to thrive on diversity, equity and inclusion. If they are not, which in my experience, are not at all "safe spaces" (which according to Dr. Darnisa Amante, is not a thing that actually exists. Check her out, her organization is amazing!), then what are we to do?

My commitment is to actively be aware of my privilege and create and space for myself to navigate what it means to be the, almost, 40 year old me. I need to be creative. I need to exercise not just my mind, but body. And I will be the best I am able for my daughter and family.

Soy hawaiano puertorriqueño, filipino y alemán (judío). Ich bin Hawaiian Puerto Ricaner, Filipino und Deutsch (Jude). ʻO wauʻo Puerto Rican Puʻuki, Filipino a me Kelemānia.  אני הוואי פורטו ריקה, פיליפינית וגרמנית (יהודי). I am Hawaiian Puerto Rican, Philipino and German (Jew).


I am proud of who I am and have become. I give Thanks and Praises to the Most High, my ancestors and family for guiding me along my journey. Thank you internet for giving me the space to be heard without being seen. To speak and not feel judged, and for allowing others the same.

Photo Essay Continued...

Here we are, a year or so, after starting my photo essay on Multicultural Women in the Bay Area. I just re-read my first entry about it...and, well, I was not impressed. I realized I needed to re-evaluate and re-write that entry and move forward! (side note...click on the links! It will take you to the parts of my blog that will expand more on what I am speaking about)

This photo essay, like many things in life, has taken on a mind of it's own! To re-cap, for those of you new to what I am speaking of; the goal of the photo essay is to capture women in their Goddess essence, while being apart of everyday American lifestyle. I will do this by creating connections with our personal Goddess and cultures, to reveal the complexity of our cross-culture experiences and how reconnecting to our ancestors' rituals we can connect with our high selves. I will paint with film. If women were/are interested, I had them answer the following questions, and take the survey:

1. How do you stay connected to your heritage?
2. Tell me six words that describe you.
3. Take this survey, look under the notes tab.

As I sitting here thinking about the essay, I realized that I am surrounded by many Kali's.  So, do I make the essay about Kali and her place in American Society? Or do I just take more photos? Take more photos, of course! But I must also realize that something in our American Society creates more Kali's than Aphrodite's or Hecates.

Kali. Hindu Goddess. Creator & Destroyer.

 If you're interested, or want more information, please email me (do.creations408@gmail.com)! I am looking for a few more Goddess to be apart of my essay. I will have my FIRST solo show next year, exhibiting these photos.

Remember to honor your Goddess everyday!

The New Mama

We recently became parents. We are now blessed with a baby girl, Gabriella. She has pushed us even harder on our creative grind, making sure we have what we need and then some. She has reminded me that my art, our art, is such a big part of our lives. I need to do more than just think about it, but create on a more regular basis. I can come up with all types of excuses why I haven't. Although, some of them are valid, such as recovering after giving birth, but now that I have, and now have a good schedule, it's time! I think I may start with Gaby's baby book, which is still sitting in the closet half finished.

We all have passions that we often push to the side. To truly be fulfilled I believe people need to indulge in their passions, at least once a day, in any little way possible. It may sound crazy, but by keeping a neat and (somewhat) organized home, I am able to feel more creative. By organizing the clutter and keeping a neat space, you allow that energy to flow. Not to mention you have space to do whatever your passion is. And, if you're like us and make part of your living with your passion, intertwine your social marketing into your daily routine. It will force you to think and do about your passion and your own creative grind.

I really enjoy blogging, and when I don't blog for awhile, I think about it often. So to feed my writing appetite, I do a monthly newsletter for our creative services company, New Edge. Not only do I get to do a blog style writing, but it promotes our business as well.

So I dare you, to do one thing a day that you're passionate about, even if it's for 10 minutes. It will help you feel rejuvenated and enjoy life more. Life's too short to not do what you love!

Say hello to Baby Gabriella!

The Creative Grind

I recently opened a new etsy shop. Cali Girl Creations. I really wanted to be able to sell something that I am passionate about and can have fun with. It would also help if it didn't cost me monetarily. So I thought about it for a couple weeks before I took any steps in creating the store. We just moved and I realized I have A LOT of stuff. More than I needed to hang onto. Then it hit me...create an etsy store specializing in vintage cameras and other vintage/kitschy items. And the store was born!

It doesn't seem like work when you're doing something you enjoy. Part of being an entreprenuer is being creative how you make money. No one likes to struggle and it's hard going through the day doing something that makes you miserable. So you have to find a balance. In addition to our businesses (New Edge Creative Services, The Tracks, Reyes Muertos Klothing...), I also teach middle school art. It's a job I enjoy and it allows us to push the businesses further, because of the "extra income". I put extra income in quotations, because what that means is we put a large portion of what we make back into our businesses. It takes money to make money. We make a lot of sacrifices to make what we do possible. Like anything worth doing, it takes a lot of hard work and discipline. We make coffee at home, limit how often we go out to eat (and out on the town), and many other little things that make a big difference. What would you do to live your dream?

One of my first painted canvas'!

I love being able to take off in the middle of the week, and work all day on Saturday. I like to be able to have control of my life, and not live by other people's rules. To the hell with rules. To live by what makes your soul sing, using life experience to make the right choices, and having a healthy and supportive business/life partner makes the daily grind that much more magical.

Our four legged son, Chubbz. :)

It only takes one step at a time to get a business off the ground. Use your talents, resources and know how to make it happen. You can start small, test it out, find out what works with your friends and family, and never give up!

Till  next time. Face a fear and live in the moment!

Learning, Living, Growing

The blogs I have been writing off and on for the last couple of years have been a blessings to me. It enables me to express what I go through as an entrepreneur. It has not been easy.

Even though things can be ruff, their is beauty in everything, everywhere.

I have been (trying) to reflect on the last six months of 2012. We just moved, and it was a difficult move, both emotionally and physically. It drained me weeks before it even happened. It started me thinking about...well everything. And, I can't lie, this year has been rough. Being a successful entrepreneur, and not just in the monetary sense, takes a lot of self reflection and growth. When I was younger, I loved change and reflection. I realized the older I get, the harder it is to let go of those things that would help me grow. My own bullshit gets in the way of progress/reflection. It's hard to create new patterns of being, when the old ways no longer work, and you know they don't. It's kind of like this process I'm going through of getting rid of things that don't fit in our new place. It's been a task of letting go.

When I speak of my experiences here, and how I deal (dealt) with them, it comes from a real place. I am constantly taking my own advise, and seeking guidance from my partner in life and business. Making sacrifices is always apart of the daily struggle and together we make it work.

It's hard work to keep a positive outlook when sometimes things look bleak, or you're feeling defeated. But then those small moments of clarity come, and it rejuvenates me. It gives me hope, even if for a short while. Giving up is never an option, but sometimes, I do want to hide under a rock. Then, I realize that everything will still be there, once I'm out from below my rock. How does one deal with oneself and everything around her? Sadly, I've fallen off that wagon. What works best for me is exercise and a healthy diet. Today, I dedicated myself to that change. When I eat healthy (less red meat, more fruits and veggies, and no complex sugars), and exercise, my mind, body and soul feel better. I am able to communicate better, as well as feel good about myself. Anything worth doing is going to be hard, so grin and bear it. My mantra. Praying, meditation and quiet time, also do the trick. And I often "don't have time" to do those things, but it's an important part of my being to find my inner peace everyday. 

One of my "happy places" is doing photography

If you get anything from my blogs, I hope it's inspiration. Know that you are not alone in your struggles. Whether you're an entrepreneur, 9-5-er, stay at home parent, or student, we all have the same struggles in one form or another. It's important for us to be compassionate, loving and honest to ourselves and those around us. 

Till next time, do something loving for yourself.

Follow @Cr84empowerment

Spring Time Writing Revial

I often sit and think about what I want to write about. I daydream about insightful posts that inspire and motivate those who read it. The only problem is making time to do so. So today is that day!

Paz (peace)

 I began my blogging career with SF Etsy a couple years ago. I was (am) The Savvy Entrepreneur. I would blog about my adventures as an entrepreneur, speaking more on the social-emotional aspect and my learning's on the way. I'm happy to say the blog is still going strong, without me. Sadly, sometimes things get pushed to the side, even though I enjoyed what I was doing. 

Blogging re-inspired my love of writing. It allowed me to express what I was going through to folks who understood or needed guidance. Being an entrepreneur is no easy task. It takes ganas, or the desire to achieve your highest potential. I wrote about this in one of my first posts for SF Etsy. I always spoke my truths and offered eye candy to entice the readers further.

Eye candy. Artwork in progress

Take a moment, and read this blog, which was written about two years ago to the date, and reflect on your stamp in the world. Whether you're doing art, customer service, community work, etc, you are making an impression on the world. If we can collectively do good in a time of greed, dishonesty and financial turmoil, we can help create a better world for the youth to come.

The Savvy Entrepreneur <--Click to read.

Till next time, hug a loved one.
Follow @Cr84empowerment

New Beginings

I look back at the last 5 years of my life and I can't help but be proud of my accomplishments. Although at times life was/is hard, and giving up sometimes crossed my mind, I am always reminded that it's the little things that keep me going. The embrace from my man, the wet kisses from our bulldog, the unique and delicious coffee from Barefoot (that I drink as I type), the smiles and support from our families and realizing that life is beautiful. Having our own business has allowed us to do what we love and make a living off of it.

Chubbz, our English Bulldog.

Teaching art is still apart of my daily hustle, even though I tried to quit. After a school year of full-time teaching, with not being properly supported by my superior, and giving up part of my own life, I decided it was not worth the stress or the sacrifices. We decided that we'd focus full-time on our bussinesses. Our studio space came to us the very last day of work. The keys in hand, we started a new journey. Full of art and, of course, sacrifice, we pushed for the dream. As the school year started up again, I was asked to come back for one day a week (four hours). As a working artist, every little bit helps. So I was happy to be able to go back into the classroom. It gave me a sense of purpose, and allowed me to still feel the joy of teaching. As it turned out, I was needed more often. Taking over the position of art teacher, once again, but part time (four days a week), was my destiny.

My students do some of the most amazing artwork. I like to think I inspire some of that!

Learning to go with the flow and accept your destiny (speaking in the most positive terms), is an important part of being happy. If I was unable to accept that teaching is apart of who I am, just as owning our own business, and being successful is apart of our destiny, I would not be able to find that space that allows me to feel free.

Photography makes me feel free, especially when I'm using a film camera featuring one of my favorite characters!

What do you do that allows you to be free? Do it today. Don't waste time. Life is short. Love yourself, so that you can love others. Till next time.